Sonntag, 31. Juli 2011

10/Jan/2010: I Am "Ms Ladyvoice"

So this is indeed my lucidventure #4 (after the quasi-NDE and the two 'brutal' waves experiences), but below I will also give a short synopsis of #5 due to a thematic connection. Don't worry, I will make big jumps through 2010 with a few chosen 'thematic' lucidventures only, since my newest adventures are pretty exciting now and I want to get at them asap. However, I deem these 'first ones' worthy of this kind of raised attention because it makes sense (at least for me ;-) ) to retrace my initial development.

Interestingly, my diary notes on that day say that it was all "too early" for me for a new attempt. I wanted to resume projecting, but not yet. However, that morning I caught myself in hypnagogia and 'decided' due to a (literally!) 'whim' in that trance state to be an opportunist and use the situation to give it a try again.

Even more interesting is the fact that the log entry tells me that I did NOT HAVE ANY VIBRATIONS again during the whole exit attempt. So I still had no "normal" vibrations to that point and after. The entry just tells of a 'sinking feeling' and a slight whistling sound on the right ear. The stiff 'prothesis'-arm raised with my energy body rolled on the back also features again.

However, the most striking and (til today) unique event is this: My affirmation, which then was the same as used in 2009: "I am out-of-body now." suddenly 'switched' and it was said by a different voice. Not just the voice was changed though. The way of speaking, such as intonation, articulation, mood, emotive and 'personality' additions was completely changed, too. That means: It sounded like another person entirely.

And it was a WOMAN. And yet: it was ME SPEAKING this and not someone else. So don't be mistaken: it is NOT at all comparable to a kind of modulation of one's own voice (such as speaking through a sound system into a mike with effects on, or by inhaling helium). It was me speaking as another person. I also heard the voice from a bit farther off, but still clear and loud. Actually, when I think of it again, I believe it was 'everywhere' (in my head and outside around me) and I could not attribute it to any point in the (physical) room. The voice was beautiful, angelic, soft, tender, empathetic, and as it seemed it tried its best to to reassure and soothe me.

Now the funny thing: It might not have been a AFF-irmation at all but rather a CON-firmation !!!  :-)

That means (from today's view only, of course) that I already was out of my body, because I used the roll-out 'technique' - without knowing it. So the voice possibly just stated to me that I just could have gotten up and walked away, while I was still lying there, arms raised waiting for the exit to happen, on my back with my energy body, but thinking it was my physical body. That one, however was still lying 'unmoved' on the side!  Not knowing this, I broke off the attempt. Only to wake up and wonder why I was - again - lying on my side now.
It is of course possible that the stiff arm might have hindered the exit and it was indeed an 'almost'-exit except for that arm. It will remain a mystery since fortunately is a typical feature of my early lucidventures and did not return for a long time now.

Yes, that's hilarious, I now. Well, we live and learn, don't we? And we all need to be able to laugh about ourselves and this is really the point that makes me laugh even today. I took me, however, quite a while to get past this point and thus get further up on the learning curve.
Many of the following attempts exactly were of this kind, with the only difference that they included then the famous 'vibrations' of the 'normal' kind, which it seems I had the first time during lucadventure #5 (but around that time I had some other very similar attempts following this one):

(translated logfile entry):
proj.5: 15/Feb/2010
again hypnagogic phase (ca. 8 a.m.) Again right arm and attempt with affirmations. My energy body is on the back again, this time I even put the second arm in the air. Vibrations are there, but much weaker than during the first times. But no disengagement. Or was I disengaged already? i give up after ca. 2 minutes of trying.

Some progress (from #4 to #5) is shown by the fact that I talk about my energy (instead of physical) body on the back and the first slight suspicion that I might have been "disengaged" already. Still, it seems I always expected a kind of spectacular "lift-off" from the ground instead of just completing the 'roll-out' and getting up. It seems that this was much too 'mundane and ordinary' for me even to consider then.

Comments / Afterthoughts

Many comments are already given in the text above.

There, Rober Bruce confirmed my guess, that this was probably my Higher Self, applying the reassuring voice to help me:

"This would appear to be a manifestation of your higher self, the voice. Beyond this, there is not much I can tell you. This is a positive thing."

This explains perfectly why I "spoke it" and "did not speak it" at once. I knew then, I was not 'alone' in my efforts anymore which made me happy.

By the way, this voice never came back (as yet). But I'm patient. By the way, other voices did. But more to come on this in later posts.

Sonntag, 24. Juli 2011

21/Nov/2009: First Exit (Brutal Spine-Waves, Kundalini?)

Mid-November, two months on, what had happened in the meantime? Well, not much. But I read a book. 

Only a week after the surgery, I browsed Amazon and probably by some (divine? / higher self?) intuition instead of searching for books on NDE, which would only have been understandable and which I also did at later points in time, I typed 'out-of-body' into the search field. (Btw, Astral Projection was not a term I knew a lot about then, I heard it but did not even relate it to OBE, but rather to sth like dreams, a kind of clairvoyance or even meditation (all of which is not even entirely wrong, of course).)
Almost naturally, Buhlman's book "Adventures Beyond The Body" (in German it is even "Out Of Body") came first. I bought it and read it. I was absolutely astounded how "simple" it seemed to be and that you could really "walk" through your living room as a non-physical being, and all that not just when you were "near death".

I did the induction exercises (combined visualisation/tactile practice and affirmation). Only after a few days of finishing the book and starting the practice, very early I had those talked about "energy sensations" during the night: I heard strange sounds, remember a lifted stiff arm (I think Buhlman also mentions it in a list of possible 'events') and had inner 'energetic' jumps and movements - all while in bed sleeping or in hypnagogia or when waking up from it. I knew now I was in for more.

This lucadventure might be categorised as a very classic RTZ-OBE. However, and that makes it interesting, it is 'framed' by a lucid dream conversion and a postlude False Awakening (semi-lucid) dream. So we have 3 'classics' in one pack. (After an NDE-type experience 2 months prior to this, I now already had received a huge bag of non-physical experience ... not so bad for a first-timer, huh?)

1) Dream Conversion

I dream that I am flying a familiar street of my old hometown uphill, approx. 3 metres above the ground, which leads to the street of my parent's home. In physical life, I have went and cycled (as child and schoolboy) and later driven it up with my car countless times.
However, suddenly one thing really strikes me then. Not the fact that I am flying. It is rather the fact of HOW I am flying. I am making swimming movements (breaststroke). I notice that this is so utterly stupid and funny alike. Why am I SWIMMING through the air instead of 'normally' flying? At this very instant, this observation literally TRIGGERS my exit sensations, and something starts that I will never in my life forget.

2) Out-Of-Body exit / RTZ-projection

The view changes drastically. I am lucid. And I see the ceiling of my bedroom. Strange thing is that the room appears to be with the light on. I see everything clearly. I am lying on the back (unusual for me) and I also see one arm lifted (again!). It is stiff, I cannot move it, it is fixed up in the air. I also don't really feel it, it is like an alien part or an artificial limb attached to my (otherwise also paralysed but still 'felt') body. But I also don't want to change anything about it.. I want out and I know it has started now. "It" is, besides my new view, the 'energy sensations' I feel.

However they are NOT the famous 'vibrations' at all. I did not know these vibrations then. Only later I did. Today, I know them well, of course, and I can say that this was VERY VERY different! Those WERE NO VIBRATIONS at all!

Sorry if this bores you now a bit, but I need to try to give a description as detailed as possibly, becausee I have a suspicion now of what it could have been, which I could not have known either then or during the following days and events, due to a lack of knowledge about these matters. I will enlarge upon my question later in the Comments section, but now first my attempt to render a detailed description of what I felt and then mistook as 'common vibrations' (what a joke from today's POV). I have, so far for me, not read ANY account on exit sensations here or elsewhere that has stated anything similar to this, which makes my inquiry even more urgent now as it was then:

As said, those 'energy sensations' were nothing like vibrations. Those were BALL-LIKE WAVES along the SPINE. Heavy, violent and almost disruptive as it seemed. Not from head to toe but only through my torso (neck to lower intestines / genital area). I cannot conclusively remember anymore if they went up-down (from neck area on downwards) or vice versa. It could have gone either way or even with a changing of directions.
I did NOT feel any pain. Just movement. Possibly I heard roaring, crackling, sizzling, rustling sounds which more or less correlated with the intensity of the wave-balls' movements. One wave going through my body lasted possibly 1 - 1.5 seconds. The 'low-tide' intervals probably 1 to 2 seconds on average. Sometimes the intensities varied. I tried to give it a graphic expression here, you see it is not absolutely regular, intervals for the pauses (-) as well as for down- or upward moving wave 'blobs' (O, o, 0) vary:

--O--O---o----O---0--o---O--O--o--> (time direction)

There are two words I would like to use to describe the whole movement: Orgasmic/Ejaculative and Peristaltic. But all that without the respective body feelings (unfortunately in the first case ;-) ).
So it was as if my torso would have been a great GIANT PENIS at the very moment of ejaculation or a part of the digestive system while it's transporting and processing its content in peristaltic muscle movements.
Another good way to compare it to would be strong electric jolts, but again and - in this case fortunately - without any feelings, just the "movement".

Again just to give an impression on what is meant by 'peristaltic' (mostly used in connection with pumps or the human digestive system), consider it like this, but only much much faster (1 wave-interval per 1-2 second or so):

This video shows it even better (still, again: much too slow, though):

So I hope you get the idea of what I went through - or better: what went through me - then. 

And I was and still am sure it was 'not physical' at all. (How could it be ??! This is not the nervous system. I also should have felt pain then, I should have been bursting into parts! Any scoffers should explain it to me or better try experience this for themselves, and then they will admit: "this stuff is f***** real!")

What is even more strange, and it makes me marvel about myself (and I am not a warrior-type of guy!): I stayed completely calm. I let it happen. Maybe there was a kind of attitude involved telling me sth like "hey, you begged for it, so here we go, now don't complain and grit your teeth and get to it!". Maybe it was still due to my hypnagogic / trance-like state. But why did I not get out of it?
And that is not the entire story. I also endured it (knowing that it would ease off soon) because it was somehow FAMILIAR. It is a "I've-been-there-before"-feeling. But why and how? Discussion see below.

After it waned (or even when it was gone completely, not sure anymore) I started to lift. Possibly the subconscious reason for my lifted arm then was that I wanted to use it as a kind of 'launch ramp' all the time. That's another hint to a strange familiarity .. as said, this was my first conscious and deliberate projection, I had not done this before.

So I went out and the first thing to note is: The room was dark again as I slowly soared to my room's ceiling. I looked ahead then for the short time I looked at the wall and ahead again, the ceiling (immersed in darkness now again) before me.

It should be noted, I also had a strange voice when talking to myself shortly (or "thinking aloud"), it was somehow vibrating, sounding high and modulated (not the human-like female voice, that's a different story again). I don't remember anymore what I said to myself then, possiby some "oh"s or "ah"s only. That, however, again, was not orgasmic either. ;-)

Now the next funny thing: I stopped at the ceiling. And I did not know what to do. Then the idea to just "turn around". Turning around of what? Of me. But what is me? I have no idea if I had a "body" then because I had not paid attention to it/myself. I was just a cloud or point of consciousness during the whole exit.

Then I just "turned around" (no, it seemed I did not have the purported 360 degrees vision, I really shifted somehow). Looking down where me in the bed should have been I first only saw darkness. Then I concentrated (thinking also about BUhlman's short commands such as 'clarity now' or 'vision now'). After a while I could see a figure lying there on the side (not on the back). After a while I also could make out the face clearly. It was me. I looked pale in the darkness, almost a bit like a moon face.

But you know what striked me most about this, even today when I remember it (and which is possibly also responsible for the moon face appearance)? The kind of picture that really clings to my memory now that first comes to my mind when I remember this event, making this an almost iconic representation of this whole lucidventure:
The very weirdness of SEEING YOUR OWN FACE WITH CLOSED EYELIDS. I looked so 'strange' (in a double sense) that I even did not clearly recognise myself for a second because of this 'alienating' view. When do we see ourselves with closed eyelids? Logically, we don't in mirrors. On photo snapshots when we were blinded by flashlights or on surprise snapshots possibly. But "live" at the same instant? This picture sticks with me, probably for the rest of this life! I will never forget the picture of that guy that is me down there in the bed 'asleep' with closed eyelids. Even today, I count this experience among the top-ten of strange sensations and experiences of my adventures.

After I had 'identified' myself without the slightest doubt, which was otherwise not so difficult since all was 'realistic' and there were no dream imagery or reality fluctuations involved, I decided (wisely and as recommended for newbies) to cut it short and 'go back' immediately. I just went down, which was then much faster than going up.
However, before I re-integrated, another remarkable observation. First, for a split-second I saw my face 'close-up'. Secondly, I heard my breathing (exhale) - but different, as if still somehow from the outside.

3) False Awakening

I got up and went into the bathroom. I passed some time there, also looking at myself into the mirror. All looked normal. I reflected on the things passed now. I was happy at my success of 'astral projecting'. Then, only after quite a while, I thought to myself 'hey, why not go to my parent's bedroom now, and wake them and tell them what happened?'. Then I realised what a strange idea this was. (Possibly it was caused by the dream I had before about flying to my parent's home). Why did I say that? I was an adult now and I had not live with my parents in their home for many many years now. Then I realised that I was still dreaming and woke up.

Comments / Afterthoughts:

First of all, sorry, I will keep further posts on lucidventures much much shorter. I just felt the need to enlarge upon this, since it was my first 'projection', and due to all those circumstances and detailed memory. Therefore I restrict this section (although much more would be to say for me here) only to the issues of FAMILIARITY and KUNDALINI.

The issue of FAMILIARITY with those waves amazes me even today. Perhaps, in our super/sub-conscious memories and as reincarnating beings, we all "know" this already since it is similar to what happens when we die. Or perhaps I had/did this as a child in this life and just don't remember. Or I was a keen projector in a previous life. Or Perhaps I really only thought that THIS were the famous vibrations I read about (what a joke!). But today I know there were NO VIBRATIONS. Those were different. I had only one further experience like this a few days later. After the again-violent exit it failed due to exit blindness and fear issues.
Fear issues also kept me from going on then. I read more books on the topic. Monroe's first book actually increased my fears, it was so different from Buhlman's optimitic take on the issue. Then I read Bruce's Astraldynamics and while I did so, I sometimes had the feeling that I was falling out of my body in waking state! That was enough for me! I actually decided to have a break of a few months, not trying anything. I needed a rest (who should blame me after all that, I had my proper dosage, after all)? So I slammed the door shut again at the end of the year and I did not have any experiences (Sometimes I even affirmed "I stay inside my body" before sleeping!).

Maybe someone more experienced in this matter can answer this. Recently I came to suspect that it might actually have been a KUNDALINI-like experience (note the added "-like", please!). Here, people also report on spine-related 'snake'-like heavy energy sensations. If you look at the video I linked, you see that 'peristalctic' movement is indeed pretty 'snaky' if seen from a specific angle. But they also tell of body cramps and even danger of life. I did not feel this way although the waves also had a 'crampy' aspect to them. Of course, since mainly the torso was affected, it is highly likely for me that the energy was using a 'channel' that leads up/down the physical spine through which the 'awakened' energy was streaming in brutal thrusts of different intensity.
I could so far not really bother to dig deeper into the topic of Kundalini. If someone can tell me it is NOT Kundalini-related, I am fine. I wasn't keen on any Kundalini-experience so far. And if it was Kundalini, well, so be it, but I am even less keen to live through this again for understandable reasons. Two times is enough and I am happy in the end that later (according to logfile starting Feb 2010) I discovered that 'vibrations' are something very very different from that!

Samstag, 23. Juli 2011

23/Sep/2009: Near Death Experience (Or So)

This was my first involuntary (as you might have guessed by the title already) 'lucidventure'. And eventually it is the event that brought me on the path of APing, and - last not least - also brought me here into forums and communities of like-minded people just as this one.

This event might be categorised by some as a 'classic' OBE taking place within the larger frame of a "kind of" NDE, but not quite, as you will see below.

In September 2009, I went to the hospital for a necessary rectification of the nasal septum. It is a harmless everyday routine operation done generally for respiratory health improvement (no, it's nothing cosmetic!). Nevertheless, this surgery demands a full narcosis and the tracheal intubation and mechanical ventilation (, which means your air system gets paralysed so you don't breathe for yourself anymore.

I remember the preliminaries well, including being brought into the surgery anteroom and having to wait there, already a bit sedated in the hospital bed. Then a small-talk with the surgeon. Then into the surgery, being lifted onto the table by the staff, getting all the medical gear on your arms and being put to the machines, then s.o. put the breathing mask over my face from behind, telling me to take 1-2 deep breaths, and so was falling asleep after a few seconds. All routine. Business as usual.

Official medical and scientific theory says that under controlled anasthesia you are supposed to be in 'deep sleep' and only gain consciousness a long time after surgery again in the wake-up/recovery room.

So much for the theory. ;-)

I gained consciousness. I was lying in a bed. (So far, so good, according to theory...). But it was the bed of my childhood room. So I thought for a few seconds. Then I corrected my mistake after a while. I saw machines, gadgets. Immediately I knew where I was again. I was in the surgery.
I was not lying on the table. I seemed to be hovering - a bit above my (physical) head, as it seemed. I was at my "head side" but it seemed that I was a bit more lifted, I however don't remember seeing my body at all (I never looked there, though). I saw everything in colours - so vivid, intense, vibrant, warm and lush - colours that I never saw before (and never after, so far!) on Earth. I just looked from the left side (with all the gadgets) to the right where I saw the chief surgeon doing some routine measure on a kind of handlebar (as it seemed, but don't know exactly what it was) next to or at the side of the operating table.

But there was more: I read his thoughts!

And even that is not enough to describe it, because maybe I actually "was him" in that short moment, too. I was expressing sth to me - the guy on the table - which I also was - strange, huh?. What "he" "said" was this (not in words or literally - just in a seemingly telepathic expression, an entire instant thought bundle directed towards me, and coming from me alike - yeah, I know how that's weird ... It wasn't words to be heard or even grasped, just information entangled with feeling/emotion. I only paraphrase it here, clad into words, to convey the meaning (emotionally as well as content-related):

"Hey, everything's alright, chap, don't worry, it worked well and we are ready now."

But actually, I was far from being worried anyway!

I was in an UTTER STATE OF BLISS like never before in my life.

It must somehow be what the mystics talk about. Ultimate well-being, vibrant with life and happiness, it is beyond expression, it is not happiness we experience as humans, not even when drugged (I suppose). The vivid unearthly colours seemed to envigorate (but on the other hand also be an expression of my) permanent joy, too. And one more thing: It felt like home. I cannot express it better. It's this feeling of being home, secure, in the right place at the right time - all as the ultimate expression of happiness. I felt "home" in spite of still receiving the 'visual' input from the surgery. That is bliss. Home. Also Love, of course. But in the end, there was and is no difference between the two for me. Love is Home. Home is Love.

Unfortunately (for me then) it did not last too long. The whole scene took (in my perception) only a few seconds. Then the situation changed and my perception / consciousness switched to a completely different scene, but still in the surgery.
The bliss was gone. There was only soberness and neutrality. Nothing negative, but nothing positive either. The colours were gone, too. The picture I saw was blurry, like a big-pixled graphic movie with low resolution. The colours rather dull and neutral.
And my position was changed. I was hovering a little above but much further away, almost at level with the heads of the medical staff in height, but approx. 6-8 metres off. I would even not discount the fact that I 'saw it all through a wall'. The scene was quite mundane. The surgery team around the table and the chief surgeon bending over towards the patient (me?) and moving something there. Not more, nothing spectacular. No mind-reading, colours, bliss, clear vision ... all gone. This scene also lasted for a few seconds only.

Then it was over. I was there where I should have been after 'falling asleep', in the wake-up room . I heard a nurse in this room telling me in a loud voice to breathe through my mouth - of course I had to, since the nose was full of stuff (tubes and medical dressing material) from the surgery.

Comments / Afterthoughts

A few days later, I got to ask the surgeon if there were complications with my operation. His answer was a predictable no. But he almost became a bit tight-lipped and was suddenly pressed for time when I brought forward the topic of my narcosis. I also had heavy and large bruises on my right arm. Asking nurses and the visiting doctor (1 day after the surgery) about this resulted then in statements such as "this can happen" (possibly from those tightened monitor armbands you get put on, so they told me).

Anyway, I don't think I was "really" in danger of losing my life, so it was not a 'real' NDE at all, moreover since I did not experience one of the other usual elements (tunnel to another dimension, life review, meeting with angels, relatives etc.).
However, this marvellous Total-Bliss-Experience indicates to me that it wasn't a "usual AP"-experience either, which I can now in hindsight confirm with some more 'astral experience' gathered in the meantime. I now assume that I could have been in a "higher" spiritual body then. Or probably a guide was with me and giving me this experience of "love" and security, and bliss?

Another assumption regarding the cause: As you stop breathing for yourself, maybe your subconscious or body/cell/atomic consciousness gets aware of the missing vital activity and you feel like you are dying a "little" or "partial death". That is of course just a wild hypothesis to explain what exactly triggered my out-of-body and mystical experience.

I also wonder about the 2nd scene so completely different. Was the surgeon already attendig to another patient and I really was 'remote viewing' this (already from the recovery room)?. Or - if it was me on the table - was this scene taking place even before the other one, as it looked like the first scene was the end of the surgery while the second scene seemed to show a surgery still under way. So probably I just remembered / experienced them in reverse order (and what is time in these experiences anyway? ).

Well, I guess I might have to wait til this lifetime of mine has ended until I receive the final and assured answers to these questions.

Another interesting thing (in hindsight): the anticipation of my "astral portal": the childhood room that only recently became a kind of "leitmotif" for many of my lucadventures (you will see in following adventures that it pops up again and again). Only until I read my notes again recently, I had almost forgotten that it 'featured' already in this first landmark lucidventure.

More to come.